EditA letter to my grandmother

Last night, after another panic attack, I cracked my bible for the first time in what feels like a very long time. I looked up the Lord’s prayer. After reading it I noticed on the very same page, “The cure for anxiety”. Matthew 6 and 7 have so much wisdom in such a relatively small part of the bible. Matthew 6:25 talks about the birds of the air and how we are worth more. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

So many verses from my childhood came flooding back to me. Matthew 7:7 talking about how it’s ok to ask for things in prayer. And Matthew 6:24 talking about how we cannot serve two masters, God or wealth.

I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life ignoring God for the most part, chasing wealth and knowledge. Denying God is real. Denying everything I was taught growing up. Because I felt betrayed by it all. So much anger…

I cannot afford to deny Him any longer. I’ve wasted so much time.

I desperately miss the safety and comfort of the valley where I grew up, on the farm with you, Pappy, my Mom, Dad, and brothers. I miss our long walks around the block. I miss the days when my biggest worry was how many frogs I’d catch that day.

Jenney has recovered miraculously well from her brain surgery. Now we must deal with the cancer, and the baby. I pray that this virus does not make the world so crazy as to make it impossible for us to do so. I pray God has a plan and that he will reveal it, and himself to me more and more each day. I pray that I can stop being so afraid of what the future holds.



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